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weekend in photos no. 4 - "why can't I see that I'm beautiful?"

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

I'm actually really scared to post this. I almost wasn't going to do a 'weekend in photos' post.

It's called Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). It's kind of like a form of OCD & extreme anxiety, but still unique in its own way. I'm obsessively preoccupied & ashamed of how I look. The smallest things can be extremely triggering, even just one pimple or gaining a few ounces. No, it's not about vanity or beauty standards. Who could give a fuck about those? Certainly not me. My hatred towards my appearance stems from something deeper.

I am so mean to myself. I am a bully to myself. I could never imagine myself saying the same things I say about myself to other people. People would hate me, & rightly so. It's no surprise that I end up hating myself for being so mean to myself. If someone else said the things I say to myself to me, I wouldn't tolerate it for one second. But day after day, from the second I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, I am constantly having an inner dialogue of self-hate, endlessly bullying myself.

I didn't take a lot of photos this past weekend, & I definitely didn't take any photos outside, because I was afraid my camera would attract too much attention to me & I didn't want people to see me - to see my blemished, chapped, red face. My skin has had a major acne breakout lately. I can't seem to get it under control, no matter what I do, & the acne skincare I was using gave me a horrible rash around my mouth, so I'm back to looking for new acne skincare. Applying makeup didn't work because my skin was too flaky from the rash & the hot sun melted it off my face. I felt so sick about it.

Obviously, this would make anyone uncomfortable, but that's the thing - feeling uncomfortable & maybe a bit self-conscious about something like acne or a rash is totally normal & understandable. Everyone wants to look good & we should care about how we look. There's just a difference between caring & obsessing. Regardless of whether I have acne or not, my body, my face, my appearance are never good enough. The acne & the rash just made things extremely bad & triggering for me this past weekend. I ended up isolating myself, I didn't want to go any where, I didn't want to see anyone. I felt immense shame & felt humiliated being around people.

There are many late nights when I'm in tears, feeling disgusted with my appearance. My sweet partner is always there, holding me, comforting me, & telling me that I am beautiful. I absolutely believe him when he tells me that. The heartbreaking thing about all of this is not that I don't believe people when they give me compliments & tell me I'm beautiful - it's that even though people I trust in my life tell me how I really look, I can't see it. I'm honestly envious of people who see me like that, because I simply can't see it but I want to so badly.

I ask my partner sometimes, "Why can't I see it? Why can't I see that I'm beautiful? Why can you see it but not me? I wish I could see what you see." As someone trying to help a person like me with an ugly disorder, he may not think his comforting words help, but with every time he assures me that I am beautiful & says it with such honest eyes, it really does help. In my head, I constantly hear, "you're ugly, you're fat, you have a weird face, you look so gross," so to hear someone in my life tell me the opposite of all of that, like "You're beautiful, I love you, you have a beautiful body, I love such & such feature of yours," it helps drown out the mean voices in my head.

I'm still on a healing journey trying to figure out why I think the way I do & how I can overcome it. I wish I had answers for others reading this, looking & hoping for a remedy or a solution, but I can offer you kind & truthful words, because no matter what you're going through or who you are, you are deserving of love, even if from a stranger like me. You may not realize how incredible you are, but others do, so 'borrow' their eyes until you can see yourself in your true light. Trust me & other loving people in your life, even if you can't believe it for yourself in this moment. It will make all the difference.

You are beautiful.

You are smart.

You are capable.

You are pretty.

You are strong.

You are brave.

You are complete in this moment.

2 comments:

  1. Wow. I didn't even know this existed and I'm sad. I'm sad I get to be "normal" while you have to struggle with this. Thank you for opening up about this to shed light for those who don't know what this is or haven't a clue about what it is like to suffer from it. This was a really good read and I think I'm a better person now that I know about this.

    S .x http://ramblingsofayoungprgirl.blogspot.com/

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  2. Kate thank you very much for sharing this <3

    lots of love,
    Eva

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