weekend in photos no. 2 - silver lining

Friday, June 10, 2016

Well, it's Friday & I'm finally posting last weekend's photos. I'm learning to be patient with myself & not giving up no matter what, even if it takes me a while. In this case, it took me about 5 days to post this. Last weekend started with a huge anxiety attack, which carried on throughout the entire weekend & got progressively worse during this week. It's so frustrating. I have days where I am soaring, I'm happy, I'm ambitious. But then I fall. I don't always know why & it's never something I control, which is mostly what makes it so frustrating. That is life with mental illness.

I had lots of plans this past weekend. I was going to go to the SLC Pride Festival. It is a colorful, lovely, fun event that is held every year & I was up & ready to enjoy a day in the city to celebrate love. I got up to the festival & the anxiety attack I had had the night before, that was almost gone, came back with a vengeance. The people, the crowds, the noise. It was too much & I started getting heart palpitations. I knew that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the festival, but since I was already in the heart of the city, I wanted to spend some time there, despite not going to the festival afterall. I went into the big, beautiful, glass library building, which truly is magnificent architecture. Libraries have always been a comfort to me. It was really hot inside that day & there were a lot of people because of the festival, so I decided to leave.

I went to a small, charming, & cozy library instead, just a few miles away from the heart of the city. It was so tiny, but I loved how old & small it was. I definitely felt better after checking out some books & spending the rest of the day reading. The panic attack never fully went away, though. Even as I type this, I feel like my heart is beating a thousand times per minute & my mind is going to explode, but I've been unable to keep myself busy today because I feel numb. However, I have given myself permission to post this, even if it's not my best work, because I need to do this. It helps giving yourself permission. It helps you feel like you have more control over your mental illness because you are giving yourself the rules. For a while, I let this darkness consume me & I completely succumbed to it. I would just be depressed or anxious for the whole day. I didn't know what else to do. I just thought I was weak & useless.

One day, I saw myself in the mirror & I looked into my face & I realized that I have conquered so much in my life, even from infancy. I conquered abuse from my childhood, I conquered abuse & ran away from the cult that I was born into that almost claimed my individuality & my mind, & as an adult, I conquered toxic relationships with people in my professional & personal life. I saw the strength & victory in my eyes, even though I felt numb & anxious inside. I realized I don't give myself enough credit. I don't recognize myself as the warrior that I have become. Sometimes I let my depression, anxiety, & OCD make me feel like a failure, because they are things I can't control. But I need to remember that it's not my fault that I suffer from these illnesses & I'm not a failure for being a victim to them.

I'm beginning to see myself with more love everyday. Some days are very hard, but I have been through hell & back & back again, & with each time I came out of it, I had a strength that I derived from myself - no one & nothing else. It's something I found within me when I needed it. I never let myself see this until recently. With each anxiety attack I have, each depressive episode, each stage of self-loathing, I remind myself that I can come out of it like everything else in my life. I don't need to wait for the sun to come out & save the day. I have a power inside me to create my own silver lining.

Toodles for now,
Kate x

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  1. Reading about your experiences reminds me that I am not alone. Loving and accepting one self is part of the healing process of learning how to cope with mental illness. I am still on my journey to accepting myself as I am today rather than how I was before my illness. Loving myself is proving to be a little more challenging. But with each day, I have begun to see and recognise my capacity to cope with my depression and anxiety and appreciate my own silver linings even if they are small and minute. Thank you Kate

    1. Thank you so much for your comment & sharing your lovely thoughts. I am so happy you are trying to love yourself. It is, like you said, challenging, but I think it is also a beautiful growing process. I hope you one day recover & find all the happiness & love you deserve.

      lots of love,

      Kate x


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