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weekend in photos no. 4 - "why can't I see that I'm beautiful?"

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

I'm actually really scared to post this. I almost wasn't going to do a 'weekend in photos' post.

It's called Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). It's kind of like a form of OCD & extreme anxiety, but still unique in its own way. I'm obsessively preoccupied & ashamed of how I look. The smallest things can be extremely triggering, even just one pimple or gaining a few ounces. No, it's not about vanity or beauty standards. Who could give a fuck about those? Certainly not me. My hatred towards my appearance stems from something deeper.

I am so mean to myself. I am a bully to myself. I could never imagine myself saying the same things I say about myself to other people. People would hate me, & rightly so. It's no surprise that I end up hating myself for being so mean to myself. If someone else said the things I say to myself to me, I wouldn't tolerate it for one second. But day after day, from the second I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, I am constantly having an inner dialogue of self-hate, endlessly bullying myself.

I didn't take a lot of photos this past weekend, & I definitely didn't take any photos outside, because I was afraid my camera would attract too much attention to me & I didn't want people to see me - to see my blemished, chapped, red face. My skin has had a major acne breakout lately. I can't seem to get it under control, no matter what I do, & the acne skincare I was using gave me a horrible rash around my mouth, so I'm back to looking for new acne skincare. Applying makeup didn't work because my skin was too flaky from the rash & the hot sun melted it off my face. I felt so sick about it.

Obviously, this would make anyone uncomfortable, but that's the thing - feeling uncomfortable & maybe a bit self-conscious about something like acne or a rash is totally normal & understandable. Everyone wants to look good & we should care about how we look. There's just a difference between caring & obsessing. Regardless of whether I have acne or not, my body, my face, my appearance are never good enough. The acne & the rash just made things extremely bad & triggering for me this past weekend. I ended up isolating myself, I didn't want to go any where, I didn't want to see anyone. I felt immense shame & felt humiliated being around people.

There are many late nights when I'm in tears, feeling disgusted with my appearance. My sweet partner is always there, holding me, comforting me, & telling me that I am beautiful. I absolutely believe him when he tells me that. The heartbreaking thing about all of this is not that I don't believe people when they give me compliments & tell me I'm beautiful - it's that even though people I trust in my life tell me how I really look, I can't see it. I'm honestly envious of people who see me like that, because I simply can't see it but I want to so badly.

I ask my partner sometimes, "Why can't I see it? Why can't I see that I'm beautiful? Why can you see it but not me? I wish I could see what you see." As someone trying to help a person like me with an ugly disorder, he may not think his comforting words help, but with every time he assures me that I am beautiful & says it with such honest eyes, it really does help. In my head, I constantly hear, "you're ugly, you're fat, you have a weird face, you look so gross," so to hear someone in my life tell me the opposite of all of that, like "You're beautiful, I love you, you have a beautiful body, I love such & such feature of yours," it helps drown out the mean voices in my head.

I'm still on a healing journey trying to figure out why I think the way I do & how I can overcome it. I wish I had answers for others reading this, looking & hoping for a remedy or a solution, but I can offer you kind & truthful words, because no matter what you're going through or who you are, you are deserving of love, even if from a stranger like me. You may not realize how incredible you are, but others do, so 'borrow' their eyes until you can see yourself in your true light. Trust me & other loving people in your life, even if you can't believe it for yourself in this moment. It will make all the difference.

You are beautiful.

You are smart.

You are capable.

You are pretty.

You are strong.

You are brave.

You are complete in this moment.

Summer Playlist 2016

Monday, June 20, 2016

One hour, fifteen songs, trippy, lucid, edgy, & classic - a playlist for the lazy dog days, taking a summer drive with the windows down, road trips, late nights, the beach, bathing in the sun.


Happy (official) First Day of Summer!

Toodles for now,
Kate x

You might also like these posts: Summer 2016 Bucket List & Music du Jour

Find me & follow, if it tickles your fancy:

My Current Lipstick Collection (vegan + nontoxic)

Saturday, June 18, 2016


Before I went vegan, I had a massive collection of lipstick. Some drugstore, some high-end. But none of them were vegan & especially not nontoxic. It was a distressing day to throw away my entire collection, but the good news is this means I get to buy new, non-threatening, "bunny-approved" lipstick! I'm quite the lipstick junkie. I get it from my grandmother. She ALWAYS had lipstick with her & I think I got my love for lipstick from her. I carry around 2-3 lipsticks in my purse at a time. A good lipstick can really complete your look.

In most of my beauty/makeup hauls, I usually throw in a lipstick & I have 9 sticks so far. It's a small collection - transitioning over to a vegan, nontoxic beauty collection takes time, but no matter what size it is, it's something I can be proud of. No cruelty or yucky ingredients over here! I'm hoping to purchase my 10th one this month, because I've been hankering for a good, nude lipstick. A few of these are from vegan beauty boxes I've been subscribed to & the others are from my own purchases. I love most of what I've found, but there are a few that I'm not so keen on, but many that I'm absolutely bonkers for!


Out of the 9 lipsticks, there are 6 brands. You will notice my collection is mostly corals & deep purples. I'm a sucker for a dark lip. I'm trying to be more adventurous in my searching for vegan lipsticks, so I hope when I do a post like this again, I will have lots of different colors & shades to show.

As a side note, I apologize for some of the blurry photos. I took them while I was holding the camera in my hand & my arm was a little shaky. It's posts like these where I wish I had invested in a tripod a long time ago... maybe I'll do that before I buy anymore lipstick... Anyway, I've done enough rambling so let's jump into the reviews!

Elate Sheer Lipstick in Lively. Currently Sold Out (sorry, loves!) I received this lipstick in a Petit Vour monthly box back in August or September last year. I reeeeealllly love this shade, it's a pinkish, shimmery nude. It's the perfect color for a natural, angelic look. But I can't give it the most gleaming review, because the quality of both of the lipstick & packaging is really poor. The design on the tube is really pretty, but it randomly cracked which was rather annoying. The lipstick dries up too quickly & the lipstick pops out & I have to be careful while applying it so the lipstick doesn't pop out again. As a result, the lipstick gets really smooshed, because I have to keep pressure on it so it won't fall out. The shade is lovely, the quality just needs a bit of work.

Ingredients: Ricinus Communis (Organic Castor Seed Oil), Simmondsia Chinensis (Organic Cold Pressed Jojoba Seed Oil), Butyrospermum Parkii Fruit (Unrefined Organic Shea Butter), Mangifera Indica (Organic Mango Seed Butter) Limnanthes Alba (Organic Meadowfoam Seed Oil) Euphorbia Cerifera (Candelilla Wax), Copernicia Cerifera (Carnauba) Wax, Mica (CI 77019), Iron Oxide (CI77491), Ultramarines (CI77007)

Lippy Girl Vegocentric Vegan Lipstick in Snog Me. This was my color for a while. I got this product from a Petit Vour box, as well. It's a pretty terra cotta red & is very flattering on neutral skin tones. The wear is long-lasting so you won't need to re-apply it very often. Contrary to the reviews & description of the product, I didn't find it as moisturizing as it was made out to be. It's actually really sticky. The Lippy Girl lipsticks just aren't smooth. The stick has the same problem as the Elate lipstick. It breaks off easily, so the lipstick gets smooshed.

Ingredients: Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil*, Simmondsia Chinensis (Jojoba) Seed Oil*, Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea Butter) Fruit*, Copernicia Cerifera (Carnauba) Wax*, Euphorbia Cerifera (Candelilla) Wax, Citrus Aurantium Dulcis (orange) Peel Oil*, Tocopherol, may contain (+/-) Mica (CI 77019), Tin Dioxide (CI 778161), Titanium Dioxide (CI 77891), Iron Oxides (CI 77491, CI 77492, CI 77499), Manganese Violet (CI 77742), Calcium Aluminium Borosilicate, Silica *Certified Organic Ingredient

Lippy Girl Vegocentric Vegan Lipstick in Coral Me Maybe. I also got this Lippy Girl lipstick from a monthly box. This was from my Laritzy box in April, & you can read about this beauty box here. This is a bright, corally pink shade. It's also sticky like the other lipstick. Unfortunately, this stick is weak just like the other Lippy Girl lipstick I have. Maybe it's not that big of a deal to others, but I can't have my lipsticks breaking off after the first or second use. Could you imagine the mess that would happen if the lid happened to pop off inside your handbag or purse? The lipstick would get everywhere. So unfortunately, as much as I love the Lippy Girl shades, I won't be purchasing more lipsticks from this brand in the future.

Ingredients: Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil*, Simmondsia Chinensis (Jojoba) Seed Oil*, Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea Butter) Fruit*, Copernicia Cerifera (Carnauba) Wax*, Euphorbia Cerifera (Candelilla) Wax, Citrus Aurantium Dulcis (orange) Peel Oil*, Tocopherol, may contain (+/-) Mica (CI 77019), Tin Dioxide (CI 778161), Titanium Dioxide (CI 77891), Iron Oxides (CI 77491, CI 77492, CI 77499), Manganese Violet (CI 77742), Calcium Aluminium Borosilicate, Silica *Certified Organic Ingredient

Mineral Fusion Lipstick in Exotic. This shade is such a pretty, rosey coral! I found this brand at my local natural foods store. The quality is really nice & it's very moisturizing. It goes on smoothly, however if you don't exfoliate your lips before wearing this lipstick, it might look uneven & make your lips look chapped. I recommend exfoliating & applying a balm before you wear this lipstick. The packaging is also sooooo pretty! The lipstick comes in a shiny, copper or rose gold tube. So classy!

Ingredients: Helianthus Annuus (Sunflower) Seed Oil*, Trioctyldodecyl Citrate, Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil*, Sesamum Indicum (Sesame) Seed Oil*, Euphorbia Cerifera (Candelilla) Wax, Copernicia Cerifera (Carnauba) Wax*, Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil, Theobroma Cacao (Cocoa) Seed Butter*, Cocos Nucifera (Coconut) Oil*, Persea Gratissima (Avocado) Oil*, Thymus Vulgaris (Thyme) Oil*, Rosmarinus Officinalis (Rosemary) Oil*, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Extract*, Vaccinium Macrocarpon (Cranberry) Seed Oil*, Camellia Sinensis (White Tea) Leaf Oil*, Cyclopia Intermedia (Honeybush) Leaf Oil*, Punica Granatum (Pomegranate) Oil*, L-Ascorbic Acid, Tocopherol. MAY CONTAIN (+/-): Mica, Titanium Dioxide, Iron Oxide * Certified Organic

Mineral Fusion Lipstick in Gem. It's a golden berry shade, which is perfect during the fall/winter season. It has a hint of shimmer, making it perfect for the evening & parties. You could do a classic smokey eye with this, put on a LBD, apply this shade, & voila! Classic evening look perfected, especially for holiday parties. Mineral Fusion has very affordable prices for vegan & nontoxic beauty, so check your natural food stores to see if they carry this brand, or visit the Mineral Fusion website here, because it's an affordable brand & the quality is decent. Did I mention the colors are gorgeous?

Ingredients: Helianthus Annuus (Sunflower) Seed Oil*, Trioctyldodecyl Citrate, Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil*, Sesamum Indicum (Sesame) Seed Oil*, Euphorbia Cerifera (Candelilla) Wax, Copernicia Cerifera (Carnauba) Wax*, Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil, Theobroma Cacao (Cocoa) Seed Butter*, Cocos Nucifera (Coconut) Oil*, Persea Gratissima (Avocado) Oil*, Thymus Vulgaris (Thyme) Oil*, Rosmarinus Officinalis (Rosemary) Oil*, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Extract*, Vaccinium Macrocarpon (Cranberry) Seed Oil*, Camellia Sinensis (White Tea) Leaf Oil*, Cyclopia Intermedia (Honeybush) Leaf Oil*, Punica Granatum (Pomegranate) Oil*, L-Ascorbic Acid, Tocopherol. MAY CONTAIN (+/-): Mica, Titanium Dioxide, Iron Oxide * Certified Organic

Root Pretty Vegan Shea Butter Lipstick in Bell. I have had the biggest crush on the Root Pretty brand lately. The products are the most affordable with the best quality all-around of any natural, vegan cosmetics that I've found. And the lipsticks. Oh my god. The lipsticks! The lipsticks have shea butter in them, so they are extra smooth & extra moisturizing. A tube of Root Pretty lipstick is $16 & honestly, because of the quality & the amazing shades, they could probably get away with charging more (Root Pretty, if you're reading this, don't get any ideas! ;) ). Bell is the first shade I purchased. It is soooo pretty! It's a light orange-peachy color. I've been rocking this with my Spring & Summer looks. It's perfect for neutral & pink skin tones.

Ingredients: Carnauba Wax, Candelilla Wax, Shea Butter, Castor Seed Oil, Organic Jojoba Seed Oil, Grape Seed Oil, Japanese Honeysuckle, Honeysuckle Flower Extract, Tocopherol (Vitamin E) • May contain the following coloring pigments: Titanium Dioxide, Iron Oxides, Ultramarines, Chromium Oxide Green, Mica

Root Pretty Vegan Shea Butter Lipstick in Jess. I was so excited when I got an email from Root a couple weeks ago informing me that Jess was back in stock. I had had my eye on this shade for a while, so I bought it that day & I am in love with this purple shade. Like I said, I'm sucker for deep shades. The packaging is so sleek - each lipstick comes in a silver, metal tube. Presentation is really important, obvs! And take a look at the ingredients below. It really doesn't get more pure than that. Oh! And Vitamin E is an ingredient, as well, so your lips get helpful nutrients. Your lips will be so happy. I could rave & rave about this brand, but maybe I'll save it for another post in the future. In the meantime, I would definitely recommend Root Pretty.

Ingredients: Carnauba Wax, Candelilla Wax, Shea Butter, Castor Seed Oil, Organic Jojoba Seed Oil, Grape Seed Oil, Japanese Honeysuckle, Honeysuckle Flower Extract, Tocopherol (Vitamin E) • May contain the following coloring pigments: Titanium Dioxide, Iron Oxides, Ultramarines, Chromium Oxide Green, Mica

Aromi Lipstick in Merlot. This lipstick looks really dark, but the shade is actually a light plum. It's a lot like Gem from Mineral Fusion but without the shimmer. It really does look like you were just drinking a glass of Merlot. I love the sultry look of this shade. The quality is very nice, however it can take a few strokes to get it evenly applied. It's the perfect sexy plum lip shade.

Ingredients: Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil, Limnanthes Alba (Meadowfoam) Seed Oil, Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea Butter), Caprylic /Capric triglyceride (Fractionated Coconut Oil), Euphorbia Cerifera (Candelilla) Wax, Copernicia Cerifera (Carnauba) Wax, Simmondsia Chinensis (Jojoba) Seed Oil, Stearyl Palmitate, Ozokerite, Microcrystalline Wax, Cocos Nucifera (Coconut) Oil, L-ascorbic acid (Vitamin C), Tocopherol (Vitamin E), Benzylalcohol, dehydroacetic acid, Ammonium Glycyrrhizate [+/- Titanium Dioxide (CI 77891), Mica (CI 77019), Silica, Iron Oxides (CI 77491, CI 77492, CI 77499), Red 6 Lake (CI 15850), Red 7 Lake (CI 15850), Yellow 5 Lake (CI 19140), Blue 1 Lake (CI 42090)

Zuzu Luxe Lipstick in Candy Apple Red. Have you ever seen a more perfect bright shade of red? This is quickly becoming one of my new favorite lipsticks, but not just because of the gorgeous color. It is one of the smoothest lipsticks I own & it's also extremely hydrating. It's a very rich application, but it feels so light & healthy. I wish I could wear this to bed, in the shower, during my runs. Everywhere! It's so pretty & makes me feel like a real lady. I highly recommend this brand!

Ingredients: Simmondsia Chinensis (Jojoba) Seed Oil*, Euphorbia Cerifera (Candelilla) Wax*, Caprylic/Capric Triglyceride, Sesamum Indicum (Sesame) Seed Oil*, Carthamus Tinctorius (Safflower) Oil*, Retinyl Palmitate, Tocopheryl Acetate, Lecithin, Crithmum Maritimum (Sea Fennel) Extract*, Bisabolol, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Extract*, Iron Oxides, Mica, Hypericum Perforatum (St. John’s Wort) Extract, Titanium Dioxide

So there's my current lipstick collection, all vegan, all natural. I'm going to try to refrain from buying anymore coral & purple colors, for now, & maybe venture into some orange shades, maybe a chocolate shade, & of course I need to find 'the perfect nude' lipstick. Cheers to lipstick adventures!
What was your favorite lipstick shade?

Toodles for now,
Kate x




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